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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

England 2011 Part 2

Monday, May 16, 2011, 12:48:29 PM

Delta Airlines Flight 1546, 37,000 ft., currently over Oklahoma

On the way!  Left Phoenix at 11:00 am and currently almost two hours into the flight to Atlanta.  So far so good as they say.   Texted Son, Daughter and Claudia prior to taking off from Sky harbor.   Had a very nice cab driver take us to the airport which reduced my worries about getting to the plane on time.  Getting to the airport is always an anxious event for me.   There is always this fear of missing the plane do to some unforeseen event on the Phoenix streets or highways.   So until I’m in the terminal at the gate my nerves are a jangle.  It does not matter whether or not it is a local flight or international I want to be at the airport long, very long, before it takes off.

My son was to take us to the airport, but after some discussion we decided that it would be better if I drove my can to Marks and take a cab from there.  Of course that puts me back in control of getting to Marks house on time.   Having spent close to five years running around Phoenix to every ER doing evaluations makes me think that I can get places quicker the other.   Reality is that it’s probably not a true thought, but it gives me the illusion of control.  So many times, in my therapy practice, I talk with clients about the illusion of control most have.   Long ago it became quite clear to me that letting go of attempting to control events around me make life easier.  However, there are times that slipping back into that mode causes me much distress.

Controlling the environment, circumstances, and people in one’s life is pretty much an illusion.   One can attempt to cover all the bases yet the universe may have a different idea which is called getting thrown a curve ball.  Health issues, relationship changes, Divorce, Termination from a job, car breaking down etc… are all curve balls.  Life was going along fine and sometimes something happens to make it even better them BAM!   Everything changed in the blink of an eye leaving a mixed bag of unpleasant feelings.  Like the rollercoaster up you go feeling great, happy, and hopeful then down you go depressed, sad and hurt, but you’re not done yet because HOPE jumps in to save the day.  Up you go again only to realize there is no hope.

My world was rocked and I’m left with hope but nothing more.  The only thing I could have done differently was hide in my house not coming out unless I had to go somewhere of need.  Kept to myself and not experience any of the wonder that was available for a short time.  I could have attempted to control the situation so I could mold it into what I wanted it to be.  This would have led to my attempting to manipulate to get my ends met, but not anyone else’s.  I use to do that and found it wanting and still not in control.  When I was a therapist I use to do an exercise with parents of Teens, and couples in relationships to help them understand that attempting to control rather than working together to reach a join resolution is not productive.  But, one person can’t do that all involved need to be on board.  It also helped them understand that sometimes you have to let go, move on, and be content with what was that can longer be.  Sad, depressed, numb, and hurt are companions for a while leaving me thinking that I’ll never do this again.

But, someday I’ll be taken by surprise fine I opened myself up for this to happen again.  Yet maybe, just maybe this time it will be different.  Darn hope.

6:12:21 PM

We have left Atlanta heading to London.  My seat mate is a professor of Art History in Kentucky who is heading to England to do research.  Mark is across the aisle trying to stay awake until we are served our dinner.   A few moments after sitting down the stewardess approached my set and asked if I were Mr. Cooke.  My heart immediately began to pound surely bad news was to follow my acknowledgement.  But it turned out to be a quite simple question of did I order a special meal which I had.  I can’t wait to see what my non-dairy vegetarian meal tastes like.   I had a nice pasta salad at the Atlanta airport so we’ll see how this goes.  So far I’m sticking to eating healthier than ever before and certainly have more energy.

Dinner was fruit, Green salad, Vegetable medley, 9 grain bread, water, and Promise spread.   Only thing I’m not sure of is the Promise spread other than that I think I did good.  I’ll have to check about the Promise spread.

11:04:29 PM
That’s’ it until tomorrow.  Good night, Gods speed, and Peace. 

Saturday, May 14, 2011

England 2011

Saturday, May 14, 2011, 4:48:51 PM

Barns and Noble Glendale AZ

So on Monday I’ll be heading back to England.  Well maybe not just England, maybe Austria and France again, maybe Ireland and Scotland?  Lots of Maybe’s but that the story of my life.   Since June my world has been a roller coaster ride.   Today as I sit here writing I’m not a happy camper and am filled with fear about what the future has in store.  I’m not focused, definitely distracted and stuck.  So I met with my therapist today where after shedding some tears, sharing a few laughs we came to the conclusion this is not a new place for me.  I’ve sat in her office with the same story only different charters at the time, boy talk about not getting your process.

However, I do get it that the trick is to overcome the fear of changing it.  I had to laugh as she described me as putting on the John Wayne, Gary Cooper, Clint Eastwood facade of being in control of the situation hiding the timid, shy, and scared not in control person.   We laughed as she rolled her eyes and asked “How many times have we been here.”  So she sent me off to England for yet another spiritual quest.  Indeed each trip has been a kind of spiritual awakening to heal the hurts, boost self-confidence, and connect with what messages I’ve been missing that God has been sending.  We had a really good laugh as she pointed out that God has put messages right in front of my face, but fear has kept me from reacting as I’ve really wanted to.

So on Monday I’ll climb on the jet, with my friend Mark, and head off with the sinking feeling in my stomach that I should stay here.  My head telling me that if by staying the day will be saved, all will be well, and everyone will live happily ever after.   I’ll find a way to protect my kids from being hurt, or going down the wrong road.  I’ll be able to fix my sisters pain from losing her husband and best friend.  And, going back to the movie theme that after the trials and tribulations all problems are solved, and the hero rides off into the sunset with the heroine.   Honestly this may happen somewhere, but it has not happened for me.

The problems don’t magically disappear, and the heroine rides off into the sunset with someone else.  Mostly because I’ve waited for some sign or message that will tell me it’s O.K. to express my feelings.  The message never comes I never express which equals no Hollywood ending.  So I’ll go with my head, not to be confused with intuition, creating fantasy of what will happen while I’m gone.  Because you do know I have a crystal ball which will tell me the future, yeah right.

Friday, April 22, 2011

B-17

The front page of the Flagstaff Daily Sun I picked up had a lead story that a B-17 was now at Killian Airport.  Not only was it there to be looked at and toured, but you could also get a ride on it.   After reading the article again to make sure I understood it correctly I raced into the Associate Faculty office, sat down and dialed the quoted 800 number.  Upon reaching a live person I requested a seat for the flight the following day.  I was told I’d have to call the ground crew since they were in town and would know the availability of seats.  Quickly the number she gave me was dial and Dale answered the mobile.  After offering to pay for a seat on tomorrow’s flight I was informed that the last seat had just been sold about 5 minutes ago.  I was devastated how many seats do you were available?  Ten was the answer and the last one was purchased by Richard Cook.  I inquired as to whether there would be another flight as the new article had mentioned that possibility.  Didn’t know was the answer as there had been no more calls for seats.  Could I get on a list for a second flight if one was in the offering?   Where will you go next I inquired and was told that their next stop would be Torrance California.   Dale said let’s just see what happens here tomorrow or tonight.  So he took down my name insuring me I’d get a call that evening if the second flight was to happen.   I asked if it would be possible for me to purchase a ticket for that flight if there was not second flight here in Flagstaff.   I taught my classes for the evening and headed home and by 10:30 pm getting ready to fall asleep no call had been received.
The next morning I woke early have breakfast and drove to the airport which I pass on the way to town.  Being there far before the flight was supposed to happen in order to look over the plane and hope someone had canceled.   There was a line outside the trailer set up to take tickets and I waited as each when in, received their ticket, and then wandered around the plane.  As I waited a gentlemen walked up and asked if I was on line for my ticket.   “No, I’m waiting to see if there are any cancellations.”   We talked for a bit and I explained why I wanted to get a chance to ride on the plane.   The fellow stood there thinking for a bit then turned to me and said “You can my reservation.  I’ve flown in lots of old war birds don’t need to fly in another.  Jumped out of lots of the also.”   He added “My son was going to pay for this as a birthday present, but I really don’t need to do this.”   My eyes were beginning to tear up when I asked “Are you sure?”  He answered in the affirmative “Let’s go in and tell the guy handing out tickets.”  Weak kneed I climbed the steps unto the trailer and stood quietly as the gentlemen gave his name and explained what we were doing.   The explaining done Richard Cook turned to leave, we shook hands as I explained that there was no way I could ever thank him enough for his generous gift.
I paid Dale for my seat and when outside to view and take pictures of the plane.  I was already walking on air, still not believing that this was really going to happen.  I was going to fly on a B-17 an event undreamed of in my life.   My hand touched the wings as I walked under them, and then the tail as was asked by a young boy if I were lucky enough to be flying on her.  Heading back to her after taking some shots from a distance I joined a group that had gathered around one of the crew.  He was instructing them on how to spin the propeller to get the engines ready to start.  I joined the line that pushed the huge rotary piston engine through several turns until it was in the correct position.   We did two of the four engines and my mind put me in an Air Force base in England reading the bomber for a run against Germany.  Much of the history of the B-17 II that I had read came back to me while I pushed on the prop, and then listened to the flight pre-flight briefing.
The Americans were the only one’s doing daylight bombing against Germany.  It was a given that 50% for the aircraft sent on a bombing run would not return.  Through much of the war we did not have any escort planes with the range to follow the bombers all the way to Germany and then return.   So somewhere over France the escort fighters had to turn around and leave the bomber to carry on alone.  The German fighters knew this so they waited until the fighter escorts turned back and the attacked.  Each plane had six guns so they were not an easy target to take down especially when they stayed in formation.  But, losses were heavy and many never returned from the run.  There was a Lucky Bastards Club and to become a member you had to fly 25 successful flights.  This became an elite group in each squadron as plane after plane was shot down or crew members were killed by the German fighters or flack.
We climbed into the plane as I bucked in to an ancient harness it was still inconceivable to me that this was actually going to happen.  I had on my cell phones to take pictures with as I had left the house this morning thinking I only get to see it.  Now here I was sitting inside listening to the engines warm up.  I listened with my eyes close to the raw power of those four rotary engines as they roared to life.  The plane trembled, shook, and squeaked as we sat waiting for the engine oil pressure to build.  The plane had real unusable guns in all positions.  There was a mannequin in the back pretending to be the tail gunner.   The waist guns were pointed toward some unseen enemy bandoleers coiled beneath them.  The bottom or ball turret sat in front of us with its oxygen tank ready to keep the fellow inside alive as he sat hanging out the belly of the aircraft. 
Now we began to taxi toward the end of the runway and the reality hit that I was really going to fly in a B-17.  We were told that we would be given a signal once we were airborne when we could move around.  There were no fasten or unfasten you seat belt signs on this bird.  The engines were revved up, gages checked, and we pulled onto the runway.  I tried to think what it would be like for a nineteen or twenty-something boy taking off into the truly unknown.  No ides if they would ever return to England or home.  They knew full well that 50% of them were going to be killed that day, but who would it be.   We began to roll down the runway slowly picking up speed.  Whenever I’m in a plane I try to guess when there is enough air speed to lift off.    I did the same today, but unlike today’s jets this plane has a tail wheel so the back of the plane has to be raised before the plane can take off.  I was sitting in the back quite close to the tail wheel and I felt the rear of the plane lift , then the whole plane was air born.  I look forward and no sooner where we in the air the signal came for us to begin moving about.
There was some turbulence and the plane jumped up and down, swung sideways which make walking about a chore, but we quickly learned how to maneuver about.  I was interested in getting into the bomb bay, then behind the pilots.   Slowly I worked my way forward around the ball turret and now out over the bomb doors.   I studied the bomb racks and the control wires that ran down both sides of the fuselage.   After passing through the bomb bay I was standing in the top turret gunner position, who would also have been the flight engineer.  This position in the B-17 took the most casualties because they would be standing during most of the flight.  There was nothing to protect you from bullets that ripped through the aircraft from side, bottom, top or front.  I was beckoned to crew into the space below the pilots which held the front gunners and the bombardier.
The front part of the aircraft, nose, is 360 x 180 of glass or Plexiglas.  The bombardiers chair sits in such a position as to be full visible to anyone from any side.  The bomb site was directly underneath him and as I sat in this chair I have a full unobstructed view of the Sedona Red Rocks we were flying over.  Now I’m not one for heights, and usually get queasy when I’m near the edge of anything high, but this was breathtaking.  Not at any time did the fear of looking out bother me, I could have sat there all day it was such a view.   I slowly returned to the seating area taking pictures and relishing every minute.  We turned all too soon and began to head back to the airport.  We passed over my house then made the long slow turn to line up with the runway.  All to soon the flight would be over, it seemed we had just taken off.  I was thinking of driving to Torrance for another flight, wondering if I could pay to flight on this plane to Torrance then find a way back to Flagstaff.  Slowly the plane settled as it flew close to the tree tops and then the rear wheel touch down followed by the front.
I was still in shock as I climbed from the plane it was a “I need to pinch myself moment.”  Was this a dream?  No it was not I have the pictures to prove it.  Upon reaching my car I sat there looking at the plane calling the first person who would want to hear about this; my Mother.  You see my Dad was the top turret gunner on B-17's during WW II.  I was able to stand in behind where he stood during the flight and to some extent experience what it was like for him.  The cables he repaired, mentioned in the article below,  were in the bomb bay who's doors were open.  He had to straddle the open doors one foot on the cat walk the other in a small ridge in the aircraft fuselage while fixing the broken control cables.  No time to rig safety lines so had his foot slipped he would have fallen out.


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Friday, December 10, 2010

Going to the movies...



Friday, December 10, 2010


Tonight I will go to the movie with a woman for the first time since 2004.   The last time I attended a ovie with a woman was seven years ago, not counting the times I’ve gone with my Daughter and her family.  But that is not the same as her husband sat next to her.  However, he does not want to be married any longer so is leaving her.  I listened to his reasons for not wanting to be married to my daughter any longer and tried not to personalize them.  How many times had I heard these words from men or woman who were no longer interested in the dream that they had once had together.  Now they would have separate dreams so live would not pass them by. I though back and could not even remember what words I used to end my marriage in 1987.  I sure some were the same as the ones my son-in-law, after twenty plus years what else can I call him, used.

It took some time for my divorce to happen during my “midlife crisis” and the preverbal younger woman to come along.  In fact there were several preverbal younger women after the divorce along with the red sports car.  The last woman was in 2003 who decided to leave after my first bout with cancer.  She found in more acceptable to be with a drug dealer then someone who could die from cancer at any time.  We went to the movies a lot since she had a younger son who when with us every ware.  Going to the movies is a way for me to leave the real world for at least 90 minutes.  It is a place I don’t have to deal with having to give up a dream of working for H & R Block during my retirement.  Actually, to be clear, I was working for 227 Tax Services Inc. a franchisee of Block.  Now I’m forced to start my own business because my ethic’s no longer allowed me to work for someone who rewarded a bulling drunk.

After seven years of working for H & R Block the stores I worked in were sold to this franchisee  I was told by my old boss to hang in with the new owners and I be rewarded.  Yep there was a reward alright forcing me to start my own business.  My forced you might say?  Because the money I made doing taxes allowed me to go to Europe every year for the last five.  So if I want to return I will need to work at a business where I can earn enough to do so.  I have two partners who will be working with me on this new business who seem to have the same goals I do in terms of building a tax business that does taxes at a reasonable price.  We are creating a tax business that available to client’s year around to help them with any tax problems that may come up.
At a Chamber of Commerce meeting where I talked of this new business a fellow member offered free tickets to the movies.  He gave me the requested three tickets in the Home Depot parking lot where I had gone to purchase supplies to fix my wood stove.  It had decided to start leaking filling the house with eye burning smoke. My brother, who as worked for Home Depot in Texas, would know what to do.  Today I’ll work in the wood stove then will go to the movies for the first time in seven years with a woman. If this is not circular thinking I don’t know what is, but it was fun.