Barns and Noble Glendale AZ
So on Monday I’ll be heading back to England. Well maybe not just England, maybe Austria and France again, maybe Ireland and Scotland? Lots of Maybe’s but that the story of my life. Since June my world has been a roller coaster ride. Today as I sit here writing I’m not a happy camper and am filled with fear about what the future has in store. I’m not focused, definitely distracted and stuck. So I met with my therapist today where after shedding some tears, sharing a few laughs we came to the conclusion this is not a new place for me. I’ve sat in her office with the same story only different charters at the time, boy talk about not getting your process.
However, I do get it that the trick is to overcome the fear of changing it. I had to laugh as she described me as putting on the John Wayne, Gary Cooper, Clint Eastwood facade of being in control of the situation hiding the timid, shy, and scared not in control person. We laughed as she rolled her eyes and asked “How many times have we been here.” So she sent me off to England for yet another spiritual quest. Indeed each trip has been a kind of spiritual awakening to heal the hurts, boost self-confidence, and connect with what messages I’ve been missing that God has been sending. We had a really good laugh as she pointed out that God has put messages right in front of my face, but fear has kept me from reacting as I’ve really wanted to.
So on Monday I’ll climb on the jet, with my friend Mark, and head off with the sinking feeling in my stomach that I should stay here. My head telling me that if by staying the day will be saved, all will be well, and everyone will live happily ever after. I’ll find a way to protect my kids from being hurt, or going down the wrong road. I’ll be able to fix my sisters pain from losing her husband and best friend. And, going back to the movie theme that after the trials and tribulations all problems are solved, and the hero rides off into the sunset with the heroine. Honestly this may happen somewhere, but it has not happened for me.
The problems don’t magically disappear, and the heroine rides off into the sunset with someone else. Mostly because I’ve waited for some sign or message that will tell me it’s O.K. to express my feelings. The message never comes I never express which equals no Hollywood ending. So I’ll go with my head, not to be confused with intuition, creating fantasy of what will happen while I’m gone. Because you do know I have a crystal ball which will tell me the future, yeah right.
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